Here’s a news story out of WPXI Pittsburgh.

Herpes virus found on library copies of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’

If you haven’t read the news story, please do so. I’ll wait.

Are you done? Great! After reading the article, all sorts of horrible jokes came to mind. Instead of my usual post, I decided to post those jokes. Read at your own risk. I’ve never been described as a comedic genius. You’ve been warned.

Here are my jokes about reading library copies of Fifty Shades of Grey

Fifty Shades of Grey (Photo credit: ellebnere)

1. The only book I know of that wearing a hand condoms (rubber gloves) is recommended. Actual condoms may not be a bad idea, either. Practice safe reading.
2. It’s not only that book, but think about all the other people who have been with that book. That’s how many extended partners you’ve been with.
3. That book has gotten around more than my ex’s. (I warned you that they weren’t funny. They’re also tactless and bitter.)
4. Try explaining to your husband of wife that you got herpes from reading a book. “Yeah, right! Skank!”
5. When you go get tested, and they ask how many partners you had, you put x (where x = the number of sexual partners you’ve had) + Fifty Shades of Grey.
6. The CDC is debating whether or not to quarantine libraries that have FSoG in their inventory.
7. Book burning is no longer an option. It must be treated as Hazardous Material (HazMat).
8. Have you opened up the book and gotten a whiff of the smell of a good book, and something else that you can’t quite figure out? Now you know. And now you want to take a bath. With bleach.
9. When you borrow FSoG from the library, it comes with a free prescription for Valtrex.
10. That damned book is getting more action than I am. That’s not a joke. It’s just sad. But it’s also a little bit funny.
11. I need to read the book, but I need a virgin copy. Pun indeed intended.
12. If you discuss this book in a book club, could that be considered an orgy?

I think it’s safe to say that I will not become a comedy writer anytime soon. The only thing I can be sure is that I amused myself. I guess that means you all are on your own.

Related articles

• So, the Herpes Virus Was Found on a “Fifty Shades of Grey” Library Copy (complex.com)
• Professors Test Fifty Shades of Grey Library Book, Find It Has Traces of the Herpes Virus (newsfeed.time.com)
• Fifty Shades of Grey Has Herpes (No, Really) (gawker.com)