Dark thoughts

It’s dangerous when I’m home alone. I have nothing to occupy my time, and the dark thoughts that usually cloud my mind are free to run wild. My insecurities are ripping at my soul, and I feel lost, afraid, alone. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way. At least to this degree.

I’m working on my project, reading and rewriting one scene at a time, but there’s something that is driving me crazy, a hope, a desire, a connection that I was praying would come about that I feel is slipping through my fingers, if even it existed in the first place. I’ve been beginning to question if it had.

The uncertainty is weighing me down, making me reevaluate what I want to do. I have nothing to tie me here anymore, and I’m beginning to believe it may be time to walk away and search for whatever it is I’m missing elsewhere. I don’t think I’ll find it here.

When I look at my job, it’s going well, better than I thought it would. I’m now considering my future with the company. Do I want to move up? Would it be possible to move out of working at the store level? What am I capable of doing? Do I possess the skills to be successful in this company?

I have always maintained that money is not what motivates me. It isn’t. Money, for the sake of money, doesn’t sustain my soul. I need something that motivates me, something to sustains me, something that makes me feel proud. I haven’t found that anywhere. I need something that does.

I have my writing, for sure, but even there I’m slacking. I don’t know if I have the skill necessary to write well enough to succeed as a writer. I don’t know if anyone would care to read what I write. Maybe all I lack is confidence, though I haven’t had anything to boost my confidence, either. I’m probably being too hard on myself.

As much as I’m complaining, I’m probably happier than I have ever been in my life. I feel freer than I ever have. I’ve been coming to terms with who I am, which has been a difficult road to travel. I’m not yet at the end of that particular journey, but I’m further along than I ever dreamt possible.

But for all my happiness, I feel as though I’m missing something, and that’s what has my dark thoughts depressing me. I’m looking forward to trip to Georgia later next month, and in a few months, my trip to Florida. I need an adventure, but I need more than that to sustain me. I need to recharge my soul, my sense of purpose. I want someone, too, to connect with. If only I were so bold.

And at that, I’ll get back to my writing.

Tangled mess

As I try to rewrite this tangled mess that I laughably call a book, I’ve come to realize that writers are a masochistic bunch. Luckily I am indeed a masochist, or at least that’s what I took away from the tangled mess of what once was my love life.

I’m home

I’m sad to announce that my vacation will officially be over tomorrow morning at 5:45 a.m. While I understand that it in no way affects you, I’m still announcing this because I’m feeling sad. I know being employed is preferable to being unemployed, I’m just complaining that time on vacation seems to pass so much quicker than time spent at work.

With that in mind, I want to recap what I’ve done, writing-wise, on my vacation. I spent a few hours on my wip and I got around to writing my review of 3 Kisses newest release. All that talk of getting caught up? Forget it! I did get a considerable amount done, but not enough. I’m okay with that. I finally got over this illness that kept me from doing much for the past month. I knew getting away would help.

Tomorrow, I’ll be back to my routine. In fact, I’ll have the house to myself for the next few days. I think the quiet will do me some good and that I’ll get more accomplished. I’m hoping. at least. For now, I’m getting all my laundry washed and put away. Also, I’m relaxing for a bit before I head on to bed and, I pray, get some much needed sleep before my return to reality.

Another of my ideas

I have a brilliant idea! It’s part of my nature to have them, as I imagine it is for all creative people. The only problem is that they seem to come at the most inopportune times. Sorry idea, I’m busy working on another story and I would like to get something completed for once. You’ll just have to wait.

This idea, however, shouldn’t be relegated to some maybe pile, to be perused when I have nothing else to do. It needs to be fleshed out, organized so that when the time comes, I will be able to begin working on it. Hopefully when I do, I’ll have the same enthusiasm for it as I do now.

For now, I’ve written a brief little synopsis of the story, at least the main story arc. I have several files like this one littering my hard-drives and flash-drives. I’ll open them from time to time to see what I have, and most of the time I can’t figure out what had me so excited with the premise. Will this one suffer the same fate?

Febrile thoughts…

It’s after four in the afternoon of my snow day, and I’m getting cabin fever. The walls are closing in around me. I spent the past ten minutes talking to sock puppets. Okay, that’s all a lie. I went to town to buy ingredients to make meatloaf. I feels it’s the perfect meal for a cold winter’s night, and frankly I’m sick of chili.

But while I sat here playing on my computer, scrolling through a few introvert-oriented Facebook pages, I had a thought. I’m an introvert. The thought of spending time with people exhausts me. I take my lunches alone when I’m at work, just so I can recuperate and face another half day dealing with customers and co-workers. That’s one reason writing appeals to me. It’s largely a solitary activity.

Here’s what I was thinking. I live in a small town of less than a thousand, where everyone pretty much knows everyone else, if not by name at least by appearance. I want to move to a large metropolitan city of well over a million. On the face of it, that sounds silly. One thousand is a lot less than one million+ people, why would I want to make that move?

Simple. It’s easy to be alone in a crowd where no one knows me. I can get lost in the crowd and mind my business. I’m a lot less likely to run into people I know and would rather avoid than I would in a much smaller town. What’s worse, I run into people here that recognize me, greet me by name, and I have no idea who they are. It’s embarrassing.

Just a cabin-fever induced thought from the mind of a man who’s about to make meatloaf. And mashed potatoes. I’m not a savage.