Category Archives: Personal Musings

Gone on strike

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I think my voices have gone on strike. Thanks a lot, fellas! Why would they do this to me? Was it something I said? Do you think they heard what I said about them on my previous post? If so, yikes!

Okay, they are still there, just not as loud as they usually are. Well, except for Doubt. He’s always loud and obnoxious, kind of like the drunk uncle at family gathering, only Doubt never slurs his words. He’s always crystal clear. Also, Negativity never takes a holiday. I think Negativity and Doubt have a wager on who breaks me first. Bastards!

But the other voices have gone silent for the time being. Not that I mind so much. I had the day off, and I took care of a practical matter. I bought the engine mounts for my truck. I also spent to much money this morning downloading music from Amazon.

One song in particular had been driving me nuts for weeks. I would hear the song at work, but I couldn’t make out the words, and the few I could hear I would forget before I had the chance to look it up. Finally, after more than six months of hearing the blasted song, I wrote the words I could understand. Turns out that the song driving me nuts is sung by Paramore, Still Into You.

With that leading me off, I created a new playlist, though it’s far some done. I’ll buy a few more songs with my next paycheck. I still have a few more bills to pay with this one. Ah, the joys of responsibilities!

Speaking of, I have a book to read and review by Monday. I’ll have to spend most of my weekend, while not at work, doing just that. I made a commitment, and I intend to keep it. After that, I hope my voices will be ready to get back to work. It’s a little lonely without them.

I miss them.

And for the hell of it, here’s the video of the song that has been driving me mad. Enjoy!

The voices in my head go round and round

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The voices never seem to stop chattering, or at least it feels that way most times. As a person who lives in his own head, it can get pretty loud up there. The conversations I have to and from work are brilliant and captivating. The conversations I have in real life, well…, aren’t.

I also play out scenes in my head. The characters usually are faceless, but I typically see them playing out like a Hollywood movie. There tends to be a lot of dialogue, and very little to no action, just a lot of talking from imaginary people who seem to be well-spoken. I, however, am not.

I can see and hear the scenes I want to write. I imagine them going on at the most inopportune times, when I am not near a computer. Everything seems to flow smoothly, with well-reasoned arguments, logical progressions, and a clear order. There’s a beginning, a middle, and an end.

Then I sit and try to write out the brilliant scenes that I imagined and it’s gone. There’s no spontaneity. The conversations seem stilted and dry, the arguments lack conviction, and I can’t seem to muddle my way through the labyrinth to find the end I had originally intended. It frustrates me, I’m not afraid to tell you.

When it happens, I begin the suspect that the brilliant conversation I’m having in my head isn’t really brilliant. Maybe it only seems that way hidden in my secret world. Maybe my fantasy is to be able to be a good speaker, to be concise and articulate, and I create a fiction where I can be, whether it’s me talking, or one of my characters.

In the real world, what I think is so articulate really isn’t. Then I begin to suspect my own intelligence. Perhaps I’m just too fearful or guarded with my thoughts and words that I’m unable to let them go. I wonder if other writers know what I’m talking about. I doubt I’m alone, or at least I hope I’m not.

This fear also defines who I am in life. The older I get, the more negative I become, in part due to the voices I hear. Too many things have gone wrong in my life that all I imagine for myself is one tragedy after another.

At the moment, a co-worker is pushing me to ask out a sales-rep who visits our store once a week. Though I find her attractive, and she seems friendly enough, but despite my co-workers assertions that she finds me attractive, all the scenarios I run in my head turn out badly.

Every single one.

Maybe that’s what I should write about, the tragedy I imagine for myself in life, love, and everything else. I’m sure the scenarios playing out in the deep recesses of my psyche are far-fetched and ridiculous. Too bad I have trouble writing out what I imagine and rarely do my thoughts justice.

You know what I think? I think my voices are jerks. I need new voices.

Conquering my fear…well, sort of?

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Hallelujah! I survived another week. How did you fare? I hope you made it to the other side intact. Why else would you bless me with your presence, of which I’m extremely grateful.

Before I get started with today’s post, I would like announce the books I have lined up to review next month. I’m so excited I can’t wait to tell you. First up, I have Mitch Lavender’s book, Find My Baby. In it, we meet Zachary, an IT security professional who along with his wife, plan to adopt a child from the Ukraine, Unfortunately, a cyber-criminal with a grudge against Zachary kidnaps the child and holds it for ransom. My review will go up August 4th, but if you want to check it out, you can always follow the link.

The second book is Back from Chaos, by Yvonne Hertzberger. Back from Chaos is the first book of the Earth’s Pendulum Trilogy, which follows Klast, a loner whose destiny it is to heal Earth’s wounds and restore balance to the planet. I will post my review on August 18th.

Now, on with the show. I took a spontaneous trip to the DFW area last weekend to visit my best friend, Amy. Not much happened on the trip, though I did find myself trying to herd an alpaca off the highway last Friday. That was an interesting experience, and a topic for another time.

A fear of heights is illogical. A fear
of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
~Dr. Sheldon Cooper – The Big Bang Theory~

Me and Amy posing for a cheesy souvenir photo. Photo by cheesy souvenir photo taker.

Me and Amy posing for a cheesy souvenir photo. Photo by cheesy souvenir photo taker.

What really made the trip interesting for me had to be the trip to Reunion Tower in downtown Dallas. The tower stands tall at 561 ft, and was completed in 1978. Dealey Plaza, the site of the Kennedy assassination is about 1000 feet away. Reunion Tower boasts two restaurants, Cloud Nine Café, and Fifty Six, an award-winning fine dining restaurant opened by celebrity chef, Wolfgang Puck.

Did I mention it’s 561 fear-enducing feet tall?

I have a fear of heights. As with most phobias, I know the fear is not logical, but the knowing in no way mitigates the fear. On the drive to the tower, I could feel myself becoming overwhelmed by anxiety. Once we arrived, I balked and I wanted flee the scene. Amy assured me that if I didn’t want to go through with it, I wouldn’t have to. Knowing I was in control allowed me to continue.

The reason for my trepidation is simple. Back when I was in high school, I went on a band trip to San Antonio. While there, we visited the 750-foot-tall Tower of the Americas. I entered the elevator and rode to the top, blissfully unaware of how I would react once we reached the top.

Me and Amy after arriving to Reunion Tower, to meet my doom. Spoiler alert, I survived.

Me and Amy after arriving to Reunion Tower, to meet my doom. Spoiler alert, I survived.

Well, not quite unaware. As we ascended, my panic seemed to rise with the elevation, and when the doors opened, I found myself almost immobilized with fear. I somehow managed to step out of the elevator. I don’t remember much of the experience  other than having to endure the stomach-churning anxiety and the cruel taunts from the other band kids. Never before had I been as happy to be on solid earth.

Fast-forward over twenty years, and the memory of that day come flooding back. I steeled myself against the inevitable desire to flee. I knew I would have to face my fear. If I were to have left at that point, yes I would have felt immediately better, but I would have reinforced my fear. No, I had to immerse myself completely.

After enduring more cruel taunts from the bitch at the ticket desk – which makes me wonder why do people think making light of someone’s phobia is funny? – we joined the line to the elevator. Soon enough we were on our way to the top. In a way, those 68 seconds seemed to last an eternity, but the steady stream of trivia delivered by the elevator operator helped focus my mind on something other than my anxiety.

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Posing calmly for a photo on the outside balcony of Reunion Tower. Only over 400 feet above Dallas. No worries. Photo by Amy.

With a calming breath, I walked off the elevator, determined not to let my fear get the best of me. I felt the familiar waves of anxiety, dizziness, shortness of breath, but I refused to succumb to the panic. When Amy suggested I take a seat, I kept walking, stubbornly refusing to lose the battle. Soon, I began walking around the floor, looking out the windows. After a few minutes acclimatizing to the height, I opened the door stepped into the open air of the balcony, where I stood briefly at the edge to have this photo taken before retreating to the relative safety of the inside wall.

After returning to the inside of the observation deck, I played around with the interactive screens, watched a ten minute video of the JFK assassination as told by the last surviving member of the Secret Service detail to have ridden in the presidential limo that fateful day. Then it was time to go down. We spent about thirty minutes at the top, but again it felt like an eternity.

Is this the face of a scaredy cat? Um...yes. Yes it is. Behind me is the inside wall of the observation deck of Reunion Tower. Photo by Amy.

Is this the face of a scaredy cat? Um…yes. Yes it is. Behind me is the inside wall of the observation deck of Reunion Tower. Photo by Amy.

The ride down was excruciatingly long. The operator first went up one floor to the café level, then back down to the floor below, before taking the 68-second journey to the ground floor. At one point, I squeezed Amy’s shoulder out of fright, possibly leaving her bruised. (Sorry, Amy!)

But I survived. The ordeal turned out not to be as bad as I had expected. I did experience nausea, light-headedness, and other unpleasant feelings, but I also had a fantastic view of downtown Dallas at night which I enjoyed. I faced my fear, and though I’m in no way over it, I didn’t let it hold me back! I’m also in no hurry to repeat the experience.

Once on the ground, we visited the gift shop, stopped at the Starbucks for a drink, and I was forced to pose for more photos. I hate taking pictures. I’m so not photogenic! I let my nerves calm down before walking back to the car and riding around downtown Dallas, then heading back to the house and a good nights sleep. I survived.

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My reward, a hot cappuccino to calm my frayed nerves. Reunion Tower is lighted up behind me. Photo by Amy

On Holiday

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The powers that be at my place of employment have seen fit to cut my hours this week. Sure, I was super pissed, but I figured that I could really use the time to get away. So I’m taking advantage of the time to get away and visit my friend, far away from the shambles that is my job.

I have a three-day weekend, and I have to say that I’ve been super relaxed so far. Sometimes a change of scenery is what is called for. I seem to be repeating myself. I’ll probably be useless the rest of the weekend, and probably for the rest of the post, so I’ll give it a rest and get off for now. Have a great weekend all!

My day

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What a day! The time is 10:32 p.m. as I begin to write this, and I’m just now becoming coherent. It was a long day, waking up at 4:00 in the morning so I could make it to work. Why is it when I have to wake up that early, my body and my brain conspire against me and decide not to let me sleep? By the time I made it home, a little after 4:00 this afternoon, I had time for a quick snack, then I crashed. I didn’t wake up until 8:30.

Now that I’m awake, and I will be until God knows when, I guess I should try to do something a little productive. I posted my last review for The Ship, which I published last week, on Amazon and Goodreads. At least I got something accomplished. Now I need a new book to read.

I had been approached to do another review, but I’m still waiting to get a copy of the book. I’ve been waiting a month now. If I don’t get it, I’ll find another book next week. There are always authors wanting to get their books read and peer-reviewed, so that won’t be an issue. I’ve found several authors on Goodreads looking for reviewers. Maybe I’ll dedicate some time tomorrow to find someone new.

It’s getting late. I should try to work on my NaNoWriMo short story. I haven’t touched that in a week. Yikes! I need to get back to it. I seem to allow everything else in my life distract me from writing. I hope it gets better soon. If it continues to rain tomorrow, I should have not problem sitting down and typing out a decent word count for a change. I need to do that tonight.

Have a great night, and if you have a book in need of a reviewer, please don’t hesitate to contact me. My email is joe@joehinojosa.com. Catchy email, isn’t it? Hope to hear from you and good night!