A few more small steps towards life

Work on my project is slow, but I’m happy to report there has been some progress. I’ve been working on a truck, a ’93 Chevy 1500 to be precise. It’s an old beat-up work truck in need of a little TLC, which my brothers have provided with yours truly providing some back-up. They have more expertise with cars in general, and I happily admit it.

We are now slowly putting the vehicle back together, though we might need to take off the hood and fenders to reinstall them since they are not lining up correctly That’s only a slight setback. Hope to have that corrected soon. Next, I need to have a windshield installed, which I’m hoping to have done next week. Also, the interior needs to be reinstalled.

Seems like a lot of work, and it is, but it’s not as much as it seems. I already have the registration for the vehicle, along with the license plates and registration sticker. As soon as the windshield is in place, I will finally take out insurance on it and have it inspected  then I will finally have a working vehicle to call my own. Oh, happy days!

Here’s the reason I can’t wait; I hate my job. I haven’t groused about my employment for a while, so here I go again. I find myself stuck in a job beneath my experience and educational level would seem to dictate. I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation and work my way up, but I realized I’m doing so only half-heartedly. I hate my job, and though it’s familiar and I can do great things for the company, I really don’t want to. Hence my reticence and my inability to move up.

I’m working for a management team that’s young and inexperienced, and if they had worked for me back when I was in a management position, I probably would have fired for incompetence. We have a store manager who cares nothing for his employees, refusing to build relationships with his hourly workers, assistants who are too busy imbibing from the well of power their new positions grant them. That amount of power is intoxicating, and having a store full of people who are subordinate to you, many who are eager to kiss up to get on your good graces, can easily make you believe in your non-existent infallibility.

Add to that many hourly supervisors who have been there so long they believe they are untouchable and treat everyone else with condescension. I’m truly amazed at the spectacle, and I wonder how the company manages to function with this level of dysfunction! If you thought Walmart was bad, my current employers are far worse.

But I offer this little nugget, is my perception fueled by my dislike for the industry as a whole or is it a fair assessment? I can’t answer that, but I suspect that it’s little of both. Maybe if I were a little more motivated and excited I could become someone there. What is clear, this is the first time I have been unable to impress my superiors and work my way up. The environment is toxic for me and I need out.

Which brings me back to my project. Once I am done, I will have the freedom to do what is necessary to get out of my current funk. The time I have spent here has been beneficial, affording me the opportunity to earn my Bachelor’s Degree last summer, and to get my health back, especially my mental and emotional health. Looking back, I can’t believe how bad I truly was!

So I’m back and better that I was before. Life is good, though there a few opportunities to improve my life which I will tackle soon. I would have said that it all depends on how quick I am getting the truck back together, but the truth is far more complex. The projects of the past couple of years, my truck, my parent’s house, and graduating college have been indispensable steps in my progress to find happiness. I have found some small measure off happiness, and I’m not letting a shitty job take that away.

In the here and now, and the future

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Old Main WTAMU (Photo credit: kitty_498)

I sitting on the EPML (English, Philosophy, and Modern Languages) floor lobby, pretending to study for my Grammar class. I say pretending because although I have my book open, and I did start trying to do my vocabulary words for our current chapter, I’ve abandoned the project to start blogging instead.

There’s only three more weeks of class plus a final week aptly named finals week. That’s it for this semester, only four weeks. After a three-week hiatus, the first summer session starts which lasts only about six weeks or so. If my math is right, and it is possible that I’m wrong, I have thirteen weeks and I’ll be done with this condensed chapter of my crazy life.

Which got me thinking earlier this morning. I was in a depressed state for over a year. I had some good days, but I think it’s safe to say that my bad days outnumbered the good days by a wide margin. It took almost a month of being back in school to snap me out of my funk. When I’m actually done with school, and when I have my sheepskin, will I go back to being depressed? Or will this change in mood continue?

It’s hard to say since there were many things contributing to my depression. I’ve finally gotten over them but I can’t help but wonder if it’s only a temporary reprieve. What if I’m still unable to find a real job post-graduation? Making flippant comments on my social network sites will not pay the bills. Yet.

I guess I should take my friend’s advice and take things one day at a time and stop stressing about it. All I can do is to update my resume and start putting myself on the job market again. If I’m lucky I’ll be able to find something the suits me, one that takes advantage of not only my intelligence, but also my aptitude. Money is not my number one concern, but yes I would like to make a livable salary.

My ultimate goal is to write so I know I’m probably condemning myself to a life of near poverty, but I guess I’m okay with that. I’ve done enough to know that I’d rather be happy than rich, loved rather than wealthy, content rather than famous. Now if I can be happy, loved, content, and rich? Why not?

As I look out the third story window of the classroom center of WTAMU, and as I see my fellow students as they go back and forth between classes, I wonder what they are thinking. How many are wondering, as I am, about their futures? How many of them are staring their own impeding graduation and are wondering where they are going to go? Are any of them already set?

It’s not my problem, I know, but it’s nice to think that I may not be alone in worrying about my future. It’s coming up a lot faster than I could have ever imagined. I’m not sure if I’m ready for this.