Category Archives: Life

Time Flies By

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So, I guess it’s been a while since I last wrote anything, over two years in fact. It’s crazy to me how time flies. I didn’t even notice it pass me by, a symptom of getting older.

More than likely, no one is going to read this as my readership is probably all gone. That’s okay. As much as I tried to grow my followers in the beginning, it became less important to me. The inner turmoil that drove me at first lessened until it was gone. I didn’t even notice the transition.

There’s not much to tell about my life. I briefly joined a band, but as it wasn’t going anywhere, we disbanded. I promoted into a salary management position. I spend most of my free time and money going to concerts, usually Halestorm. I saw them six times this year alone!

Still single, still living my life. I haven’t written anything in ages. I missed Nanowrimo for the first time since 2011 last year. I just didn’t have the desire to do it. I may try this year, but I’m undecided. I did buy a new laptop just in case since my old one was old and slow and I haven’t bothered to boot it up since I don’t know when.

I’m still alive, still in this limbo between Joe and Stefani. I don’t feel compelled to transition, but neither am I compelled to leave it behind. My two identities form my whole. I’ve come to accept my lot in life, and in accepting it I’ve found some measure of peace.

Being true

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This whole duality has been confusing. I’ve been, for most if my life, content to remain hidden. It’s only within the past year that I’ve come out into the open, embracing this other side of me, the true side.

I know that the time will come that I’ll.have to choose who is real and who is not. Will Joe win, or will Stefani? I am both and yet somehow neither.

The greatest thing I have done is begin volunteering in Amarillo as Stef. It’s like I’ve found a place to belong. It’s at once scary and liberating. I just wonder hiw many people I will lose in the process.

Follow me on Stefanilara

Moving

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I think the time has come to move on with my life. Things came to a stand still about five years ago, and I’ve been adrift ever since. I became complacent with my situation, neither enjoying it, but not doing anything to remedy it. I kind of gave up.

I’ve been feeling this coming on for a while now, that the time had come to continue on my journey. It’s not a big step really, but moving out on my own will be a change. I haven’t been on my own since before I got married. Honestly, she moved in before we were married. That’s a long time. I’m ready to have my own place.

Technically, I had my own place after we split up. I say technically since I was paying rent at an apartment I never stayed in. I spent all my time with some girl I was seeing. But after that, I stayed with a friend before moving in with family. I got a lot done. I finished college, found a job, made some awesome friends, but I stayed here, with my family, more out of a need to be near them. Emotionally and psychologically, I needed my family.

I’m blessed I had them when I needed them the most.

But I’m stronger now. To be honest, I came to a decision over two years ago to accept certain aspects of my personality. Since then, I found the peace that had been missing in my life. I found that I was stronger because of it. I found that I could be happy. I discovered that my friends would not abandon me for it. In fact, most have embraced me unconditionally.

Because of it, I have a need for some freedoms that I can’t have living with my parents. Some of that is due to my ego. It’s embarrassing to be 40 and living with mommy and daddy. When I moved in, there were financial concerns. I was unemployed and could not find a job anywhere. After finding one, it took some time to rebuild. When I had the means to leave,  remained behind. I had become complacent.

But complacency has put me ill at ease. I’m not comfortable here, or rather I feel as though I have overstayed my welcome. I feel the pull of life calling me, telling me that there are new adventures waiting for me out in the world, new stories to be discovered.

There’s also part of me that needs some privacy. Here in this house, I don’t have the privacy to just sit down and write. There’s too much going on, too many distractions. I lose myself in what’s going out with everyone’s lives that I don’t have a moment to withdraw completely into my own little world, to flesh out new tales to tell.

So I’m looking for my own place. Part of it is because I’m ready to move out. There’s also the practical part of me that’s tired of commuting an hour each way, five days a week. It’s beginning to wear on me. That’s almost 500 hours a year driving back and forth, or about twenty days out of every year wasted in that car.

It’s time to move on. I’m a little nervous about it, which is a little crazy. I’ve been on my own. I left for college when I was 18. Moved to the Dallas area when I was 24. I know how to be on my own, but there’s a small part of me that is worried about venturing out again. It won’t stop me, I’m sure. In fact, it’s why I’m doing it, to conquer the small battles so as to put myself out there for bigger fights.

Mostly, however, I just want some peace and quiet, and a small corner to call my own.

Excuses and such

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I think the past couple of months tried to kill me. Photo Credit: Amy Ebert

I feel like such a slacker. I’ve been putting all my attention on a different project that I’ve neglected my writing. I still have those aspirations, but they have taken a momentary back seat to what’s going on in my life, both personally and professionally.

 

Professionally, I’ve been given the opportunity to participate in a leadership development program in Oklahoma City. We meet once a month for a class where we sit and learn important things regarding the business, but mostly it’s about forcing us to stand up a become comfortable talking to a group of people. It has helped a bit. I do feel a little more confident.

In fact, the feedback I’ve received so far is that I’m doing well in the program. Yay me! The class is moderated by two Store Managers, and the District Manager and District HR Manager are also in attendance. Part of the reason for the class is to bring Department Supervisors to the attention of the District team, so that they may consider us for advancement into managerial positions. I’m not entirely certain I want to move up, but it’s nice to know that I may have that option.

Personally, well, I’m not really ready to discuss it here. I well say that I feel that I’m in a period of transition. I feel that there’s a move in the future. I don’t know when or to where, but that this move will be for the better. As much as I’ve enjoyed being back home, I think it’s time for me to move on, and maybe explore who I am to a wider audience than is possible currently.

After the New Year, I hope to get back to writing. I want to finish up my NaNoWriMo project. I should say that I did win last month. I meant to write a post about that, but it got away with me. The past couple of months were busy, with my LDP class, inventory, and Black Friday, and lastly a visit from our Regional Vice President. It’s finally gotten back to normal, but now it’s Christmas and New Years. I’ll try to find my grove again.

 

Creating my space

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wp-1459126500697.jpgI’m finally back in my room, ready to start writing again. It feels good to have my room back. It feels good to have my desk back. It feels especially good that I put my desk at a decent height, unlike last time. I’m also glad I splurged and bought myself a decent office chair. It rolls and spins, and I’ve been gliding around my room like an idiot.

It’s taken me the better part of two months to completely gut and piece together the room. It was in desperate need of upgrading. I spent a lot more than I had planned, and there are still a few things left to buy. The wall behind my desk, for one, is unfinished. I plan to build a shelf to match my desk to hang on the wall. The backsplash will be a faux stone tile, somewhat like brick. Neither project will be cheap, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll have a place to house my books at last!

The end result will be that I’ll be out of excuses to use on why I haven’t been writing. I have my quiet space back, a proper writing area, and a comfy chair to sit in. I guess I don’t have a coffee maker in here, but since I’m not a big coffee drinker, I’m not sure that’s an excuse.

For now my area is a little sparse, but I’ll soon have my shelves and some lame motivational poster up at well. I need to hang up some pictures. Actually, I really want to hang up my college diploma. I’m really proud of that accomplishment. It may motivate me in that it’s a goal I’ve actually achieved. I should look into getting it framed.

I sent my book to a friend for her to read. I want to get some input on that. I believe in that book, though it’s not without some issues. Hopefully, if she reads it, she can point me in the right direction. I’ve had a few people give me their input, but I value anything anyone is willing to give me.

I’m going to spend the next hour or so lost in my book, writing away, making up for lost time. You know what? I don’t think that time was lost at all. I think it was an investment in me. I started out with a run down, dilapidated, out-dated room, and created a warm and inviting space to both sleep, read, and write in. While I don’t plan to stay here forever, for the time being, it’s what I need.

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