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Excuses and such

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I think the past couple of months tried to kill me. Photo Credit: Amy Ebert

I feel like such a slacker. I’ve been putting all my attention on a different project that I’ve neglected my writing. I still have those aspirations, but they have taken a momentary back seat to what’s going on in my life, both personally and professionally.

 

Professionally, I’ve been given the opportunity to participate in a leadership development program in Oklahoma City. We meet once a month for a class where we sit and learn important things regarding the business, but mostly it’s about forcing us to stand up a become comfortable talking to a group of people. It has helped a bit. I do feel a little more confident.

In fact, the feedback I’ve received so far is that I’m doing well in the program. Yay me! The class is moderated by two Store Managers, and the District Manager and District HR Manager are also in attendance. Part of the reason for the class is to bring Department Supervisors to the attention of the District team, so that they may consider us for advancement into managerial positions. I’m not entirely certain I want to move up, but it’s nice to know that I may have that option.

Personally, well, I’m not really ready to discuss it here. I well say that I feel that I’m in a period of transition. I feel that there’s a move in the future. I don’t know when or to where, but that this move will be for the better. As much as I’ve enjoyed being back home, I think it’s time for me to move on, and maybe explore who I am to a wider audience than is possible currently.

After the New Year, I hope to get back to writing. I want to finish up my NaNoWriMo project. I should say that I did win last month. I meant to write a post about that, but it got away with me. The past couple of months were busy, with my LDP class, inventory, and Black Friday, and lastly a visit from our Regional Vice President. It’s finally gotten back to normal, but now it’s Christmas and New Years. I’ll try to find my grove again.

 

Going back again, maybe.

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I’m looking into going back to school, again. I must be a glutton for punishment since I only graduated two years ago, but I really do want to go back. I’ve been mulling it over for a while now, at least a year, probably more. At one point, I had considered going back to earn my teaching certificate, which I decided was not the path I wanted, or needed, to take.

Here I am, years later, and I feel that I need to return, to major in a new field. Yes, I do have a Bachelor’s in General Studies, but that’s really what it sounds like. I’m looking into a career that needs a focused degree and certification. I’ll admit to a certain amount of trepidation, especially in regards to how long it’ll take to complete and the incumbent cost. I’m still paying off my loan for my most recent go around!

The fact is I’m unhappy where I’m at. I’m tired and I’m angry. I’m tired of being angry. Where I’m currently at in life is not where I want to be, it’s not where I’m supposed to be, but it is where I am. I can remain where I’m at and allow this anger and bitterness to consume me, or I can do something about it.

All I’ve known for most of my adult life is retail. I dislike retail. I’ve done it, I have moved up before, and though there are aspects to it in which I excel, the parts I don’t like hold me back. More than just that, I have an attitude problem precisely because I have been there before and because I feel that I’m not being allowed to do what I know I’m capable of doing.

Did you know that this is the first place I’ve worked for since 1999 that I haven’t been promoted? I have always been given a supervisory position. I’m knowledgeable enough, I’m responsible enough, and I have the experience to prove it, but that’s not enough. Not at my current job, and not with my current employers.

But as much as I would like, I can’t completely fault them. In fact, I should probably thank them for holding me back, for forcing me to evaluate my life and the direction I’m heading. Were they to promote me, I might be tempted to continue the rat race for financial reasons. That would be bad. Money has never been a good enough motivator for me. I need it, I want it, and I would like to have a certain independence, but that’s not what motivates me.

So what motivates me? Doing what I like, what I care about. What drives me is to get my job done, to step back and see a completed project, and to know that I did that. I also need to feel appreciated, which is something that management has never been good at providing. Also, I would like to find a decent job that will allow me to have a set schedule. My personal time is very important to me. I need it to survive, as a matter of fact!

I don’t know what my alma mater will say in regards to my inquiry. I hope I will be allowed to return this coming semester, though it may be too late to go back. I hope they will give me the chance to major in the field I’m hoping to join. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified by the thought of moving forward with this. I’ve thought about it for years, and if ever I’m going to do it, I would think now’s the time to do so, while I’m free and young enough to get it done.

Until then, I’ll keep the field of study a secret. If I’m given the greenlight to return, and if I’m able to go back this semester, I’ll give you an update and tell you what I will be studying. Until then, positive thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Recharged and looking forward

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I haven’t been updating as frequently as I should. I’m sorry about that. It’s just that I haven’t had much going on as of late. I didn’t feel like repeating myself. My posts were becoming redundant. I felt that taking some time away was the right thing to do.

So now I’m back, feeling recharged, and raring to go. My vacation was relaxing, though too short. I’m back at work now, and even there I’m wondering if there’s a change in my future. I wish I could elaborate, but I’m not sure what it is. It’s just a general sense that change is on the horizon. Maybe it’s a move up, a lateral more, or me deciding to move on, but something is coming.

On that note, I’ve been thinking a bit about my own future. I’ve talked some about how money has never been my prime motivator. It still isn’t, but I’m coming to a point in my life where I need a relatively massive influx of money. I’ll be 39 next month. I want a house, a car, in short, I want my life back on track.

Career-wise, I feel as though I have stalled. I’m comfortable in that I know what I’m doing, and I know my co-workers and feel comfortable around them. Comfort is not enough. I look at my work-in-progress, and I realize that what I want to do is write and maybe make enough to fund my life. I don’t believe I’ll become wealthy, but I would like to make enough to perhaps go back to college.

Retail is a game of numbers, and I don’t have that desire. Again, money is not a motivator. I don’t have a head for business, and though I’m good at what I do, there’s also a lot of things that I fail at, namely customer and co-worker interaction, playing the office-political game, and just doing what I’m told vs. what I think needs to be done. I forget that I’m not free to do my own thing. My manager, as agent of the company I work for, dictates what I do. I hate that.

I’m not clear on what I should do, only that I should do something new. There’s a part of me that yearns for an adventure, a new direction in my life. I have no one in my life, no anchor, nothing to hold me back. There are experiences I want to have. I just need to be bold enough to find them.

Which has always been problematic for me. I’m not what you might consider a go-getter. I’m content, for the most part, to remain at home and chill. I don’t usually need a lot of excitement. I’m best when I have few distractions. I hate being overwhelmed by the world at large. It’s the great paradox of my existence.

I hope to have this figured out soon. I’m ready for a change. I’m also ready to buckle down and get back to writing.

To teach or not to teach…

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It’s so easy for time to slip through your fingers, especially when you have a decision you are grappling with. In my case, I’m trying to make more life-changing decisions and it’s not easy to make, mostly due to the time and financial requirements necessary to realize this decision.

I have begun considering joining an alternative certification program in order to earn a teaching certificate. There’s quite a few requirements that need to be met, ones that I need to spend time and money to achieve, but in the end will give me the ability to teach in the state of Texas and will get me halfway to a Masters of Arts in Teaching.

One thing that I must accomplish is pass the certification exam for the discipline I want to teach. I’ve given this some thought and I’m leaning towards English, though I wouldn’t mind becoming certified in History or Political Science.

Regardless, it’s still a monumental decision that I’ve yet to settle on completely. The thought of having to stand in front of a class scares me, and talking to people terrifies me, so what the hell am I thinking? All I know is that I hate what I’m doing and I would like to do something in which I can make a positive difference.

I’m looking into a career field that is neither lucrative nor much appreciated, but influences the minds of our youth. I have to make my mind up rather quickly so I can start making whatever preparations are necessary to begin this journey. I’m terrified, but not more so than staying where I am.

When I make up my mind, I’ll let you know, but for now, if you are so inclined to prayer, I ask that you do so. If you’re not, then I’ll accept positive thoughts, it’s the same to me.