Going back again, maybe.

I’m looking into going back to school, again. I must be a glutton for punishment since I only graduated two years ago, but I really do want to go back. I’ve been mulling it over for a while now, at least a year, probably more. At one point, I had considered going back to earn my teaching certificate, which I decided was not the path I wanted, or needed, to take.

Here I am, years later, and I feel that I need to return, to major in a new field. Yes, I do have a Bachelor’s in General Studies, but that’s really what it sounds like. I’m looking into a career that needs a focused degree and certification. I’ll admit to a certain amount of trepidation, especially in regards to how long it’ll take to complete and the incumbent cost. I’m still paying off my loan for my most recent go around!

The fact is I’m unhappy where I’m at. I’m tired and I’m angry. I’m tired of being angry. Where I’m currently at in life is not where I want to be, it’s not where I’m supposed to be, but it is where I am. I can remain where I’m at and allow this anger and bitterness to consume me, or I can do something about it.

All I’ve known for most of my adult life is retail. I dislike retail. I’ve done it, I have moved up before, and though there are aspects to it in which I excel, the parts I don’t like hold me back. More than just that, I have an attitude problem precisely because I have been there before and because I feel that I’m not being allowed to do what I know I’m capable of doing.

Did you know that this is the first place I’ve worked for since 1999 that I haven’t been promoted? I have always been given a supervisory position. I’m knowledgeable enough, I’m responsible enough, and I have the experience to prove it, but that’s not enough. Not at my current job, and not with my current employers.

But as much as I would like, I can’t completely fault them. In fact, I should probably thank them for holding me back, for forcing me to evaluate my life and the direction I’m heading. Were they to promote me, I might be tempted to continue the rat race for financial reasons. That would be bad. Money has never been a good enough motivator for me. I need it, I want it, and I would like to have a certain independence, but that’s not what motivates me.

So what motivates me? Doing what I like, what I care about. What drives me is to get my job done, to step back and see a completed project, and to know that I did that. I also need to feel appreciated, which is something that management has never been good at providing. Also, I would like to find a decent job that will allow me to have a set schedule. My personal time is very important to me. I need it to survive, as a matter of fact!

I don’t know what my alma mater will say in regards to my inquiry. I hope I will be allowed to return this coming semester, though it may be too late to go back. I hope they will give me the chance to major in the field I’m hoping to join. I’m simultaneously excited and terrified by the thought of moving forward with this. I’ve thought about it for years, and if ever I’m going to do it, I would think now’s the time to do so, while I’m free and young enough to get it done.

Until then, I’ll keep the field of study a secret. If I’m given the greenlight to return, and if I’m able to go back this semester, I’ll give you an update and tell you what I will be studying. Until then, positive thoughts and prayers would be appreciated.

Camp Nano – 2 days until it begins

I didn’t mean to do it, but I signed up for Camp NaNoWriMo. Great plan! I don’t have a computer yet, so let’s sign up to write something. Brilliant! Fantastic! What the hell am I thinking!!!!!

Okay, it’s not really that bad. My goal is a very modest 10K words, a short story that has been brewing in my mind for several months. I want to write it down and get it out of my head. Really, it’s a simple exercise to get my brain focused on writing again. I’ve let my dream fall to the wayside this year. Shame on me.

I need a writing goal to motivate me again, something before the main event in November. I haven’t mentioned it in a long time, but I would like to be back in the DFW area by the time November hits. That’s been my goal every year since I came back to my hometown almost 2 years ago. I’ve accomplished a life goal in earing my degree, and I’m about done on my most recent personal goal. I think it’s time to look towards the future and make plans to get on with my life.

Which is a scary thing, if you ask me. Things in my life aren’t great, but they are stable. I desire a stable life, but not like this. I want more out of my life, and the only way to earn it is to upset my stability for the hope of something better. It’ll be a calculated risk, but one we all have to do on occasion to grow and to progress in life.

My truck is almost done. It’s insured now, and I lack a few minor repairs before I take it to get inspected. I should start working on my resume and begin to actively look for jobs again. I had considered going back to school to get my teaching certificate, but the longer I thought about it, the more I became convinced teaching  would be a mistake, at least for me.

So I’m a man with a degree and not much else, trying to find his way through life. Looking at my successes and my failures, the business world is not a good fit for me, but I have to ask, what is? Is writing my future? I’m not convinced I really have a talent for writing.

Nevertheless, my short-term goal is to write a short story next month, and to polish my resume. By the end of the year, I want to have a real job, my own place where I can live, and write, in peace. I don’t know what will happen, but I think it’s time to get my life back on track.

I guess only time will tell…